FINALE!!!
“Katie and the Vibes murdered us all” -Meg
What an inaugural season! A HUGE thank you to Tanner, Erin, and Cory. You are all perfect and always helped me figure out last week’s points two minutes before the next episode.
Damn. Congratulations to Charlie who obliterated us! You had a well-drafted lineup with the ultimate pinch hitter, Rachel Kirconnell. It should also be noted during the finale, Naughty Torbies moved into third 👏👏👏 That’s bachelor bronze, baby!!
I cannot wait for the next TWO seasons of The Bachelorette with Katie 🍆 and Michelle but until then, bask in the glory of your win, Charlie, and enjoy the $16 dollars coming your way. That’s what we agreed on right?
- xoxo, your comish 🌹
WEEK TEN
“If we wanted to celebrate I’d take you to Chuck E. Cheese” -Matt
WEEK NINE - WOMEN TELL ALL
“They were wrinkled up and pruny by the time I got there.” - Kit
I swear to God Serena P. is our next bachelorette and that’s all I have to say about that.
This was an odd Women Tell All to be sure. We saw footage we hadn’t before, and thank God because those dates looked gross and boring. Of course, I’d kill to know why they cut Heather out of the episode, but we had to settle for the group ganging up on Katie instead. That was almost as much of a shock as Matt’s James Harden beard. Points were on the table for this episode but the ladies didn’t deliver much. The standings are the same, but some gaps have been closing. A lot can happen in the last two episodes. Here we go!
WEEK EIGHT
“Ouch” - The grass under Rachael’s face
Update: This commissioner is SAD. Not only is Rachael STILL HERE, my wifey… my number one draft is gone! Serena P. I will love you forever for being my go-to and the one everyone else seemed to constantly forget about. That’s a double threat. But I guess that’s how hometowns go… you never know whose family will mix things up or barely respond to their daughter telling them they got hurt while falling out of an airplane. Whelp. At least that was memorable.
Now a toast! To what was hopefully the last ever hometown that takes place all in one location. And cheers to the covid vaccine. Now let me go cry into my champagne while I whisper Serena P.’s name.
💗 R.I.P. G.O.D.O.A.T 💗
WEEK SEVEN
“Why are you here, bitch?” -Kit
Well… that was a goddamn bloodbath! We started the week with eleven women (if you count Heather) and left with just our top four. Most episodes don’t have nearly this much crammed in. It’s like the producers were writing a poster and ran out of room so they sharpied it all in real quick.
Serena C. called Heather a virus in the middle of a global pandemic, Kit threatened to have Matt’s children in three years, Matt bruised Jessenia’s tail bone on the hood of a car, Heather got kicked right on off (Matt must not be into side parts), Peeper got PIIIIISSED, and ultimately Matt sent her home along with Jessenia, Kit, Abigail, Chelsea, Serena C..
💗 RIP The Spicy Meatball, The Cutie Cutes, and Jessica 💗
WEEK SIX
“I’ll be rageful.”
WOW! So much destruction. MJ exited to the left with her villain suit on and Hot For Trott went dark (sorry, babe). At this point Katie and The Vibes does seeeeem to have it in the bag, but if anyone is looking for words of encouragement… I will point out that The Spicy Meatball MOVED FROM 8TH TO 3RD THIS WEEK!!! Oh and also Chris Harrison deeply sucks. But I guess we all knew that. Bye Katie… can’t wait until your our next bach ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
WEEK FIVE
“DING DONG THE WITCH IS DED.” -Me about Victoria
Guys. This commissioner is TIRED and suspects that no one reads these entries anyways SO let’s just do a quick lil’ recap, shall we?
- Victoria is gone! Honestly, if they let her be on Bachelor Paradise I will be pissed. Bye forever, pink eye!
- Anna is gone (The first one of you to make a gif of her face from the moment when Matt says “someone is saying things that could ruin someone’s life” I will give your team five extra points.)
- Kit’s life is hard because she is just too rich! Also, she made us watch a 29-year-old awkwardly kiss a 21-year-old.
- Jessenia + MJ (dressed as the villain from Beethoven) = oh it’s about to go down.
- Katie and The Vibes is kicking all of our asses 🍆
WEEK FOUR
“She’s a SLORE.” - Victoria
All I ask for this week is a moment of silence for Kim.
You were a cutie supreme and slayed in that belly-baring dress and bob cut. We loved you, we did not want you, and we are sad to see you go.
ROSTERS AFTER DRAFT #2:
WEEK THREE
“Do you have any idea what you’re in for? Well you’re in for it and it’s gonna be funny.” - Ashley Iaconetti
Congrats everyone! After last night we are all officially rich… in lady tears! Of course the only woman we have to thank for that is the amazing Sarah Trott. You’d think that maybe Kristin, Ileana, Marylynn, Alana, or Sydney would have been the ones sobbing since Ol’ Dead Eyes sent them packing at the top of the episode, but no… they kept it dry as hell.
We really have to give a round of applause to these producers. They have manipulated so many twists and turns in these contestant narratives it’s getting kind of hard to keep up. Do we hate or love Victoria? Is Katie the dildo-toting crazy girl or the team mom? Is Sarah the ultimate wifey material or, like the photo to the left might suggest, a widely despised… figure skater? These producers are so savvy it makes me wonder if they might have repurposed Trott’s tears to fill up the hot tub for Serena P.’s one-on-one.
And the thing is… we would absolutely have felt bad that Sarah was thrown to Queen Pink-toria and her pack of wolves. That is, if we weren’t actually just wondering why the hell she is on The Bachelor while her Dad is… DYING? Whelp. I guess that solved itself because it turns out that she wasn’t too hot to Trott right on out of the mansion herself. BYE ALEXIS! Say hi to David for us. Hot 4 Trott and Katie and the Vibes will miss you dearly 💋
“Actually, we didn’t hear nothing.” - Victoria
EPISODE TWO
We did it! We came, we drafted, and WEEN Victoria reigned! Since lil’ miss Trott (or was it… Marylynn?) had to go and lock her knees during a rose ceremony, the only woman that we know went home this week was the version of Kit we met in episode one. Good on her for realizing that she had been undeniably out-villained. Below are this week’s standings, but don’t lose hope if you’re starting out on the bottom… Victoria has got to go at some point : ) and who knows what ol’ dead eyes has in store for next week!! See you then! Oh and, of course, rest in peace to the ugliest dress in bachelor history:
HOW IT WORKS!
OOOOOKAY HERE WE GO!!
FIRST! Each of you is a team manager. As a team manager you gotta: Pick a team name and send it to Meg, your trusty League Commissioner, by the end of the day on Thursday.
Then, I will write those team names down and pull them out of a hat. This will determine the order in which we draft our teams. It will assign you a number: 1-9.
THE DRAFT:
We will probably need to Zoom for the draft so I will send out a link at the time we decide. Maybe an hour before the episode? Or on Sunday?
- SO… There are 24 women remaining in the mansion. Each woman is available to be drafted onto a team two times and then she is no longer available. At the end of the draft you will have five different women on your team, so you can’t draft the same woman twice for your team.
- Whoever’s name I pulled out of the hat first will get to pick the first girl. Then #2 will go, then #3, and so on. When it gets to #9 they get to pick two women and then we continue backwards down the line: #8 will draft again, then #7, then #6 etc… SO, by the time we get back to #1, everyone will then have two women on their team so far. We continue this process until everyone has five women on their team.
- During the draft I will share my screen to help people keep track of who is available still and who has already been picked twice.
- I have created a points system that can be found here: http://www.megjoh.com/bachelorpoints
- That is how you get points. I am going to do my very best (With a little help from Cory and Tanner, my assistant commissioners) to track these as accurately as possible. Each week I will tally up how many points the girls on your team have earned you. I cannot promise you what day I will get this done by, but it will happen : )
- For a look at who is still left in the house, I have included a photo of the cast below with the kicked off women crossed out.
SOME FINAL ADVICE FROM YOUR COMMISSIONER:
- Because some of the points are going to be generated by the crazier contestants only, and some of the points are going to be generated by the women who actually have a chance to make it to the end, I recommend you try to draft a diverse lineup of women who bring the drama AND who can go the distance. But also… follow your heart!
EPISODE ONE
Well, ladies… we hardly knew you, but we loved you just the same. Especially Alicia who danced her way into our hearts and right on out of the mansion.
WHY, MATT, WHY?
Of course, that is just one of many questions we were left with after the first ep. Questions like… Who will be the bigger villain between Victoria and Kit this season? Where is the line drawn between sex positivity and an unhealthy obsession with your vibrator? And… who the fuck is Rachael???? I for one, cannot wait to find out. Onward and upward, Alycia, Amber, Carolyn, Casandra, Corinne, Emani, Kimberly, and Saneh…. And always remember these incredible words of wisdom from one of the bitches that stayed…
“Turn around, don’t drown.”
-Sarah
